Alcohoroscopes

Oh yeah ba-beh, this one's for all the lychee martinis i've had with the lot of you. Let's see if the stars has got ur drinking style pegged. yaaAAAM Seng!

ARIES
Impulsive Aries people like 2 party & sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone 2 closing time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way 2 get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they'll assume dat whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -so long as you haven't gone & done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS
Taurus prefer 2 drink at a leisurely pace, aiming 4 a mellow glow rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI
Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much. They're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing wif finesse and allusions, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini’s possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like 2 order different cocktails every round - repetition is boring - & may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) 4 their own amusement.

CANCER
Cancer is a comfort drinker. An extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or 6 can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists. Ah-huh and in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO
Leo likes 2 drink & dance. They're often fabulous dancers, & usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion 2 make it up 2 you the next day.

VIRGO
Cerebral Virgos are compelled 2 impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead 2 drinking less than other signs, sure; but it could also lead 2 drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO
Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like 2 drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS
In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:
When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun 2 drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN
Usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty, no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you 2 quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS
Aquarius & drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties 2 get combative & they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them b4 they start raising their wrist). Aquarius is fascinated by drunken people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES
If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign & an addictive personality with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli & Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like 2 lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.